Esio Trot

In Roald Dahl’s glittering body of work Esio Trot is something of an anomaly. For a start, it is tiny; for another, it relegates children to the background, centring on two elderly protagonists. If you think of Grandma in George’s Marvellous Medicine and Trunhbull in Matilda, much of Dahl’s stories are about lampooning adults and criticising their supposed wisdom; but in this tall tale he goes against type, and instead of creating a carnival of grotesqueries draws a naturalist portrait of love – albeit one that features tortoises.

Being familiar with the novella from childhood, I was struck by how beautiful the TV adaptation was. Dahl’s Esio Trot is a lovely yarn but weighing in at 62 pages it is as flimsy as the book’s tortoise. In creating a ninety-minute film, Vicar of Dibley co-writers Richard Curtis and Paul Mayhew-Archer have stayed loyal to the source material whilst imbuing in it greater heft and emotional depth.

The adaptation starts with the narrator James Corden addressing the flirtation between two tortoises:

I don’t know about you but to me there’s something a bit funny about tortoises. The way even the teenagers are wrinkly. I bet that leads to some awkward moments.

 “Oh Brian, I love you so much. How old are you?”

“I’m 17. How old are you Janet?”

“I’m 86.”

“Goodness me, you’re old enough to be my Grandmother.”

“Yes, actually Brian. I AM your Grandmother.”

James Corden, a marmite personality. By that I mean I would have him on toast but not in a sandwich.

These narrative interludes are wonderful additions to Dahl’s book, as Corden’s puppy-dog enthusiasm helps sell a story that may otherwise appear too off-kilter for viewer empathy. And what a story!  This is a story of love. Perhaps the greatest love story ever told. Mr Hoppy (Dustin Hoffman), you see, lives in a flat. He is kind, shy and loves Jazz. Below him lives Mrs Silver (Judi Dench). Mrs Silver is widowed and has a laugh perhaps more inviting, perhaps more sonorous than Louis Armstrong himself.

Mr Hoppy has a secret. He loves Mrs Silver and wishes he could find a way of telling her. As far as he’s concerned though, Mrs Silver has eyes for just one man. Alfie. Her tortoise. Mrs Silver has a problem though: Alfie is infinitesimal. I mean, tiny. For a boy already with a shell on his back, being small is just another weight to bear. How can he walk tall when he isn’t? If only there was some way he could grow big? The delightful Mrs Silver would give anything for this to happen. Fortunately, Hoppy steps forward to be the corduroy Genie of the lamp. He informs Mrs Silver that all she has to do is read some profound nonsense three times everyday for a month and then abracadabra her wish will be realised.

ESIO TROT, ESIO TROT,
TEG REGGIB REGGIB!
EMOC NO, ESIO TROT,
WORG PU, FFUP PU, TOOHS PU!
GNIRPS PU, WOLB PU, LLEWS PU!
EGROG! ELZZUG! FFUTS! PLUG!
TUP NO TAF, ESIO TROT, TUP NO TAF!
TEG NO, TEG NO, ELBBOG DOOF!

Dame Judi talking to a tortoise.

Unfortunately, Hoppy hasn’t thought through this promise. How can he guarantee a tortoise will double its weight in a month? What use a silver tongue if it can’t deliver him the heart of Mrs Silver? As our narrator tells us, “For the first time ever the happiness of two human beings rested entirely on the possibility of a small tortoise becoming a bigger tortoise.”

Fear not. Love can make an Einstein out of an idiot; Hercules out of a rake; and love - in the case of Hoppy – can make a daredevil out of a scaredy-cat. Hoppy’s plan is to go cash-and-carry on the operation, buying tortoises of different size in bulk. Each day he replaces the tortoise with a slightly bigger one, giving off the illusion that Alfie is increasing in weight. Mrs Silver is none the wiser. This venture, however, isn't without costs - quite literally. All of Mr Hoppy's savings are invested into winning Silver's heart, a fact beautifully illustrated in a series of sight gags. Further, the trouble with this ingenious scheme is that it means his former life of order is transformed into a cluttered nightmare of chaos. Hoffman, who could shilly-shally for America, is brilliant as the put-upon bachelor trying to keep disorder under control.

Another example of over-crowding in London.

What makes the adaptation more enriching than the book are the sub-plots added to it. Dahl in his version makes the path to true love run smooth, but the writers here add dramatic obstacles that have us fearing the worst. Mr Pringle does not appear in the source material, but here the oaf is all too present, keeping the lovers from sealing their fate. Whilst Hoppy struggles to express his feelings, Pringle is all to ready to give his tuppenceworth. I hated every fibre of his being. The antipathy I held him in is a testament to Richard Cordery, who through his portrayal shows another, less dignified, side to loneliness.

Esio Trot was very much my pick of Christmas TV. It is beautifully written, performed and directed. It made my tummy go whoosh and my heart go boom. If you missed it, my advice would be to make a resolution and watch it.

Esio Trot is available on BBC iPlayer now.