1. Brexit
2. Endless talk about Brexit.
3. The signage in Dunstable is woeful.
If you’re going to set up a business, then buy a decent sign.
4. The fact that I now get worked up
about shop signage. I used to listen to The Clash and feel angry about social
injustice.
5. I worry about being a good father.
Given I haven’t conceived a child this seems like an unnecessary use of time.
6. Brett Kavanaugh
may or may not be guilty of sexual abuse, what is clear is he simply does not have the intelligence to be on the Supreme Court.
7. Putting off reading a book when I
love it once I’m into it.
8. Worrying about the day ahead when it
normally turns out just fine.
9. Not finishing off my short stories.
10. All the great tunes I couldn’t fit
into the wedding playlist. (Pulp ‘Common
People’ didn’t make the cut.)
11. Still being incompetent at DIY.
12. Not having the confidence to support
my colleagues as much as I should.
13. Being stuck on the motorway for
eight hours in March.
14. The last few episodes of Bodyguard were just stupid. (Line of Duty, also by Mercurio, is far superior.)
15. I call myself a comedy fan, but I’ve
never watched a Monty Python film.
16. I sometimes think The Girl supports
me more than I support her.
17. If something at work doesn’t go well on Friday, I’ll stew on it until Monday.
18. The Girl doesn’t fully empty the residue
on cans and tins for recycling.
19. She also falls asleep early which
means I don’t get to spend as much time with her as I would like. (As criticisms
go this is a compliment.)
20. Everyone seems to be shouting at one
another these days. (Remember Atticus’ words: “You never really understand a person
until you consider things from his point of view until you climb in his skin
and walk around in it.”)
21. The fact I’ve just said these days.
22. But seriously, these days people are less kind. More tolerant, but less kind.
23. Jeremy Corbyn needs to raise his game. Hopefully,
Santa bought him the gift of persuasive oratory.
24. Theresa May’s dancing. (It isn’t bad per se to
take the piss out of yourself, but in comedy you have to own your
embarrassment. Take out a mortgage on the thing and commit to paying off the
debt. She just looked in at the estate agents and thought that would be enough.
For all the diabolical things her government have done, we must remember comedically
she’s a coward.)
25. David Cameron is nowhere to be seen.
He started the fire and has got off scot-free. Putting the arse into arsonist. (I know that doesn't quite work.)
26. Ramos taking Salah out.
27. England running out of steam.
28. I don’t listen to music as much as I should.
29. Morrissey continues to let me down.
30. The season of Baileys before bed is drawing to
a close.
31. That Little
Drummer Girl was tremendously dull, despite what the critics said.
32. My copy of Citizen
Kane remains in its cellophane wrap.
33. I’ve had more flat tyres this year than you’ve
had hot dinners. (This is directed at models who live in LA, who I’m assuming because
of the constant sunshine and worries over what they eat mainly have cold
salads.)
34. The second season of Handmaid’s Tale was harder for the viewer than Offred.
35. The sports bar near me closed. The
Wetherspoons next door killed it. Yet the killer remains at large, paying off witnesses through cheap breakfasts and nationalist beer mats.
36. I sometimes feel that even with my closest
friends I have little to say. It’s strange because I’m a motormouth when I
write.
37. My brother hasn’t yet got that dream job. He
really does deserve it.
38. Seeing my mum in pain. (She’s grand now.)
39. Being aware that I’ll never be as good a
parent as my mum and dad.
40. Still having a ‘I can’t do’ attitude.
41. Parents lacking self-awareness. It is the
hardest job, but some don’t appreciate how therefore it requires work and commitment.
42. Reduced salt tomato ketchup. An abomination!
43. Young people having to shoulder heavy grief.
44. Discovering Shaun Keaveny’s breakfast show
just as it was ending.
45. I should have bought a Flight Of The Conchords ticket.
46. Being stuck in Sainsbury’s car park over
Christmas.
47. Still struggling to appreciate that given time
most things sort themselves out.
48. Piers Morgan graffitiing the airwaves.
49. The media’s round-the-clock coverage just
gives more attention to attention-seekers who could do without it.
50. Forgetting that amongst the hilarious explanation
given by Russia, someone died as a result of their nerve agent.
51. Buying a brand-new laptop and it not working. Getting
a replacement and that not working either.
52. I can empathise with Donald Trump. Three times in succession
I tried and failed to close an umbrella. On one of the occasions The Girl was
splashed by a tsunami of water. She was in her best frock for a wedding. Her
dad had to come along and close it for me. I felt less like a man and more
like a Trump. This was a bad day.
53. Football fans seem to be getting stupid again.
54. I missed seeing It’s A Wonderful Life this Christmas.
55. I still think I could write for a living - I
have done nothing towards making this happen.
56. There are friends I haven’t seen in a while.
57. Aretha Franklin dying.
58. The rise of Jacob Rees-Mogg.
59. We laugh at the Americans, but Boris could be
our next PM. (The fact I’ve called him by the matey nomenclature ‘Boris’ is why
he could be PM. Johnson is more apt: American slang for ‘dick.’)
60. People not saying, ‘thank you.’
61. The way women are treated as sex objects, despite
the fact their job has nothing to do with sex. Asking a woman receiving her World
Footballer of the Year to twerk would only be ok if they were applying to be a
Miley Cyrus impersonator.
62. Serena Williams’ meltdown. It wasn’t
right and it was wrong how some people defended it.
63. The level of abuse aimed at Raheem Sterling.
64. Judging someone based on who they vote for.
Most people are in the middle and who they vote for is based on tenuous circumstances.
Few voters are thinking, ‘I hate (insert group). Fuck ‘em!’
65. The Windrush scandal exposed the blind-thinking on immigration. Rightly, everyone thought black immigrants were badly let down.
Yet they don’t think new immigrants in detention camps and poor housing are.
66. I’ve had a week of buffet food. Times relentless
march means this period will soon be over.
67. Who knows where my copy of Elf went?
68. I'm only completely myself when I’m with The
Girl.
69. I sometimes enter light-hearted
conversations with serious questions. I would be terrible on a panel show. A
real buzz killer. I’d be good on an interview though, Desert Island Discs more
than Graham, where I’d have to jostle less for position, where you couldn’t be
interrupted, that’s where my anecdotes would really shine.
70. I still regret not thanking my English teacher
for all that she did for me.
71. I wish the parent-teacher relationship was
more collaborative and less oppositional – it would be better for the child.
72. Call The
Midwife.
73. I don’t always read the books that have been
kindly lent to me because I get diverted by things I hear about or read.
74. I spend just as much time sorting out my
podcast for running as I do running.
75. Everyone going nuts about the Royals again. (Harry
and William are decent lads and probably understand more about the world than
some public school toffs, but they and their family are not worthy of idolatry,)
76. Disasters in non-English speaking worlds being
quickly forgotten.
77. Despite experimenting with my lunches this
year, I still haven’t discovered the right combination. If only I could afford
M&S sandwiches on a daily basis. That for me is how much enough money is:
when you can routinely buy delicious shop-bought sandwiches without spiraling into
debt.
78. My library is closing for a few months.
79. I moan about local businesses closing down,
but I’m yet to go to my local theatre or restaurant.
80. Colin Murray’s Blood on the Tracks should be on a time when others can listen to
it.
81. VAR.
82. Nigel Farage leaving UKIP because it had
become too racist. He set up the Private Members Club with a union jack façade,
with bouncers dressed in union jack suits, with the English boy band Union J exclusively
on the speakers, and is then surprised when Tommy Robinson wants in.
83. Getting disappointed when I don’t get re-tweeted.
Jeez, I’m a grown man.
84. Thinking before I speak. (This isn’t always a
good thing. Sometimes you’ve just got to vent and get things off your chest.)
85. I feel that I don’t have much time when I
waste a good half an hour a day looking at stuff I don’t need to on the
internet.
86. I could be watching something brilliant and
artistic on Netflix, but often I go for an easy 90 minute romcom because I don’t
have the patience for anything beyond two hours.
87. I position myself as a class warrior when in
reality I’ve never known hardship or struggle.
88. Watching England get hammered in the hockey.
89. Being rude about the town I live in. I mean I’m
not like Lewis Hamilton, but I could be kinder about the place. Yes, the town
centre could do with Betjeman bombs, but there’s a lot of good
things too.
90. I shouldn’t be rude about Luton fans. They deserve
pity, not opprobrium.
91. I could do with eating less sweets. Should I
go to the dentist again then I face Shane MacGowan levels of treatment.
92. Teaching has turned me into a control freak.
Initially, I found it hard to let my brother organise my stag do.
93. I think I’m getting to a point where I avoid
conversation more than I seek it.
94. I enjoy hearing people talk about things more than
participating in them. I spend more time reading and hearing reviews
than watching and experiencing the actual thing.
95. Bountys in a box of Celebrations.
96. Strawberry Creams in Quality Streets.
97. Cadbury’s Caramel in Cadbury’s
Heroes.
98. Why do children buy you a box of
Celebrations at Christmas when Cadbury’s Heroes are clearly the better
assortment? I can only assume price comes into play.
99. I forget how lucky I am to do a job that when
asked, ‘What do you do?’ I’m proud to answer.
100.
I’ve
thought for two hours about the things that make me uncheerful.
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