Isolation Diary: Week Three

Sunday 5^th April

Today I spent the morning marking my Year 8 assessments. I used to have terrible working habits where I would procrastinate, work late and wake tired. Although I don’t quite wake up with the milkman (what would my wife say for a start), I’m normally at my computer by 7.30 ready to work. At about 9 I actually start (there’s football news, Facebook feeds and film reviews that naturally take precedence over children’s education).

This afternoon we watched Mystic Pizza on Netflix, a 1988 picture that brought Julia Roberts to the public’s attention. It also features Matt Damon in his first movie role. The film centres on three young women who work in a pizza parlour, two are sisters – Roberts being one of them- the other a close friend. Over the course of the movie we see how they experience the travails of love. Written over thirty years ago, it’s thoroughly modern, reminding viewers women have brains, dreams, libidos too. It’s undeniable there are more feminist movies now than a few years ago, but it’s worth remembering that with Dirty Dancing, Pretty in Pink and Mystic Pizza they were being written before. What’s important is they continue to be written and we don’t see a return to late 90’s/early 00’s where female stories weren’t told.

Julia Roberts in her first major role.

Just heard Boris Johnson has been admitted to hospital. Feel pretty bad about the jokes I made about him two weeks ago.

Guilt Meter: 6/10

Monday 6^th April

My mum and dad have been under the weather so I went to Asda, their nearest supermarket to do the shopping. I normally do our shopping in Sainsbury’s because as a teenager I used to work there and feel a peculiar loyalty to it. The response of Asda and Sainsbury’s customers to Coronavirus seems to be pretty different. Nearly everyone in Asda's has masks and latex gloves. They all appear to have PPE degrees from the University of Infection Control. I myself take a few precautions: I put on my old winter gloves to go shopping because I appreciate a lot of people must handle my trolley, but I don’t wear a face mask, mainly out of embarrassment. I guess that’s very British of me: that I'd rather risk infection than look ridiculous. Delivered the shopping to the front door. No tip was waiting for me in the milk crate. These people!

Had a thought about doing some work when I got in, then had another thought and decided not to. 

Watched Hustlers on Amazon Prime instead. This was a cracking picture that was overlooked at the Oscars (Jennifer Lopez was hotly tipped to be nominated for her star turn, but no nomination materialised). It concerns a group of strippers that service Wall Streets Finest/ Most deplorable. The underground club where they work is competitive because the women stand to make a lot of money from the rich customers. However when the 2008 global financial crisis hits, the club suffers too. To paraphrase a famous quote, 'When Wall Street sneezes, the strippers catch a cold.' With obnoxious men not throwing money around anymore, there’s less for the women to pick up. J’Lo’s character Destiny hits on a plan to fleece the remaining rich men of their notes. What ensues is a heist movie, every bit as compelling as Ocean’s Eleven and The Usual Suspects – only with strippers picking the credit cards of men rather than the locks of vaults. I really recommend it.

Boris Johnson has been admitted into intensive care.

Guilt Meter: 9/10

Tuesday 7^th April

Went to Sainsbury’s to do our weekly shop today. Barely anyone in masks and gloves. Just one chap in a full-on Breaking Bad mask. Not sure if he’s preparing for the apocalypse or a batch cook of crystal meth. A lovely lady welcomed me and taught me how to use the Scan & Go zapper. I hope supermarket staff get a huge bonus come the end of the year.

Came home and did some schoolwork. I used to leave work to the end of the holidays where I would do it through tears and pained grunts, like a shit Marlon Brando howling ‘School!’.’School!’ at the window. Now, I try to start early and weep less.

Had a sitcom kind of an evening. In these strange times you need a bit of comfort food; ours comes in the form of Gavin and Stacey and The Vicar of Dibley. We started watching these from the start: the first is all up on iPlayer; the second has just arrived on Netflix. The ensemble cast in Gavin and Stacey are amazing; Rob Brydon and Alison Steadman in particular.

Rob Brydon is the scene-stealer in this.

Boris Johnson is on oxygen.

Guilt Meter: 8/10

Wednesday 8^th April

Went for a run this morning. In school time I run twice a week. In lockdown I’ve been running every other day. It’s a chance for me to do some exercise, but more importantly it’s an opportunity to listen to a podcast. This morning I had on Rachel Fairburn’s stand-up show, Her Majesty. Each week an hour of stand-up has been released by the brilliant independent producers Go Faster Stripe with all donations going to a Food Bank charity. If you’re into alternative comedy, then I really recommend their website.

Came home and did some work. Finished work.

Watched a new sitcom with lunch: Alma’s Not Normal. (BBC iPlayer) This was a pilot episode written and created by Sophie Willan. Willan is outstanding comic; her show Branded was nominated for an Edinburgh comedy award in 2017. The hour centred on her extraordinary autobiography. Her mum is an addict, which meant she spent time in care. With a disrupted school life, she left with few qualifications. The lack of opportunity led her into being an escort. All of these events are channelled  through the character Alma. This protagonist is smart and sharp, so too the menagerie of relatives and friends that surround her. It will definitely be picked up for a series.

Boris Johnson’s condition is improving.

Guilt Meter: 5/10

Thursday 9^th April

Went for a walk with the Good Lady. Her being pregnant seems to act as a Blanka thunder field that keeps people two metres away from us.

We decided to do some baking together today. Now I haven’t made a cake since my GCSE days. Then, I was tasked with making a series of novelty cakes over a six-week period on the theme of sport. Each week I would return home with a football pitch, ice hockey pitch, rugby pitch, squash court, curling rink, equestrian centre and my mum would say, ‘Why don't they just have you make a meal?’ when what she really meant was, ‘Another fucking novelty cake!’ So I hadn’t made a cake in a while. What my wife and I forgot though is we haven’t had a functioning oven for a few weeks now. Despite it being repaired twice in the last year, it's packed up again. We also didn’t have any self-raising flour – neither bio-hazard Asda or crystal meth Sainsbury’s had any, so we were in something of a predicament. My wife though is nothing but resourceful – she lives with me after all - so she assembled a cunning plan: a plan as cunning as Roald Dahl’s Fantastic Mr Fox delivering an online lecture on the topic of ‘Cunning’ to the snake from the Bible and that one from the Jungle Book.

We decided to make biscuits in the grill. 

It was a tasty triumph.

Watched Begin Again on Netflix with Mark Ruffalo and Keira Knightley. A lovely film to pass an afternoon, but director John Carney’s best work is Sing Street.

In the evening we got together with our parents for a weekly pub quiz. We lost last week so we made the questions harder. We won this week.

Friday 10^th April

Today the Good Lady had her online baby shower. Her best mates had sent her presents in advance. Even though they couldn’t physically be together, they still managed to do all the games and quizzes they wanted. I was called down for the last five minutes to guess the weight and arrival date of the baby. I said twelve pounds and two weeks overdue just to piss her off.

Played Richard Osman’s quiz this afternoon. I really recommend it. Just sign up here and you’ll get a fiendish quiz every Thursday: https://www.penguin.co.uk/authors/141792/richard-osman.html (Just check your Spam folder as for some reason mine ends up here.)

Watched Love Wedding Repeat this evening. This looked promising because it had Aisling Bea and Tim Key, two of the finest stand-ups working today. What transpired was Richard Curtis' Four Weddings and a Funeral - if he had given full editorial control to a twelve-year-old boy. With its rumination on chance and fortune, it was aiming for the stars, to say something profound and enlightening on the subject of love; unfortunately the ladder it used to get there were terrible dick jokes and confused plotting.   

Boris Johnson is walking.

Guilt meter: 2/10

Saturday 11^th April

Woke up and read for a few hours. I’ve nearly finished The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, which won the Pulitzer in 2001. I wasn’t sure about it at first; a mate lent it to me so I was putting my faith in him. Over time though the beauty of the language and power of the narrative has won me over.

Boris Johnson is playing games and watching films in hospital.

Guilt meter: 1/10

Feel like I can joke about him again:

How many Boris Johnsons does it take to change a light bulb? None, he’ll get a key worker to do it, clap them, and then bask triumphantly as if he's responsible for the glow of success.