100 Reasons To Be Cheerful

1.      Lorries that have decorative lights.

2.      Lorries without their trailer. They look emasculated. Vehicle vasectomy I call it.

3.      Listening to podcasts on the way to and from work – I find it really relaxing.

4.      With that in mind: Rule of three, Quickly Kevin, Films To Be Buried With, Blood on the Tracks and Saturday Review are all podcasts I’ve enjoyed this year.

5.      Mark Kermode on ‘Kermode and Mayo’ continues to be my oracle for all things film.

6.      My brother and the boys winning Best Supporters Podcast at the Football Supporters Award. From The Rookery End is a great listen for Watford fans.

7.      On Christmas Eve it was a perfect blue morning. I was running across the Downs, back to the person I love, whilst listening and laughing to a show about Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. It felt pretty good.

8.      I read those end of year lists and gave Idles a go. Great lyrics and an exciting racket.

9.      I’ve read some wonderful books this year: Reservoir 13, Normal People and A Natural show contemporary literature is in rude health.

10.  Princess Bride is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

11.  My brother was commissioned to write a book. It comes out next year. More news to follow.

12.  My mum made a good recovery from her operation.

13.  My dad is really enjoying retirement. And so he should: he really earned it.

14.  I’m lucky enough to be marrying into a lovely family.

15.  Bev and Dan building a lovely home.

16.  Sarah, along with her friend Lorna, did so well to set up their food fair. It takes courage to do something new and seeing the crowds vindicated their decision.

17.  Matt’s doing well in his new job.

18.  Zoe running her half-marathon.

19.  Clare filming her DVD.

20.  All of my mates that have had children.

21.  Beth getting promoted.

22.  I’ve assembled the best team for my stag. I think the great mates that I’ve got must be a reflection on my genius.

23.  Javi Gracia appears to a better tactician and man than Marco Silva.

24.  Gareth Southgate being England manager.

25.  Filling in my World Cup wall chart.

26.  Going to football with my dad and brother.

27.  Having wall-to-wall buffets.

28.  A glass of Baileys before bed.

29.  That bowl of cereal that breaks the nighttime fast.

30.  Shonagh in my department has a better jokes-per-minute ratio than most working stand-ups.

31.  I work with people I respect and admire.

32.  Fi for setting up the buddy system at work.

33.  Seeing Jonnie ace his teacher training. Being at his wedding was lovely too.

34.  Getting Christmas cards from students. One girl seemed absolutely mortified when she handed it over. I understand: it’s embarrassing to like me, but impossible not to.

35.  My work values its staff.

36.  We found a lovely venue to get married in.

37.  Yesterday I spent three hours composing different playlists for the wedding. It’s the closest I’ll get to curating a music festival.

38.  Re-watching Spinal Tap and Withnail & I.

39.  Going to the hockey for the first time.

40.  Seeing children enjoy Shakespeare.

41.  The structural magnificence of Stewart Lee’s Content Provider.

42.  John Finnemore is a comedy writer of the highest order.

43.  Villanelle in Killing Eve.

44.  The Bill Murray pub for comedy.

45.  Derry Girls and Young Offenders have vanquished the Irish spectre of Father Ted.

46.  Little Volcanoes was beautiful radio.

47.  There She Goes was a hidden gem on BBC 4.

48.  The Tories are all over the place.

49.  There are mechanisms in place to curb Trump’s power.

50.  Frankie Boyle’s closing monologue on New World Order. Such caustic eloquence.

51.  Friday nights in with The Girl.

52.  Leave No Trace was such a moving film.

53.  After saying I didn’t commit to pictures that require effort, I sat down and watched Roma last night. It’s easy to see why it’s tipped for Best Picture. The beauty, the tragedy, all of life is there.

54.  A lot of my family are coming over for the wedding next year. Hertfordshire is going Tamil.

55.  The Girl’s cousins are doing great in Oz. Clea in acting; Emma in art.

56.  One meeting five and a half years ago has created a ripple in a pond. I now have more friends and family because of it.

57.  I totally lose myself in writing and forget every worry and concern.

58.  Those occasions where I feel I can run and run.

59.  I knocked off eight minutes from my personal best.

60.  Our neighbours brought us round a box of chocolates yesterday.

61.  A nice e-mail from a parent.

62.  Getting work done at school and leaving the evening free.

63.  A free bar at a wedding. (Sorry we can’t offer this. We’ve had a word with the venue though and we’ve managed to secure a drinks deal on tap water.)

64.  Dina Asher-Smith and KJT winning gold.

65.  Holding The Girl’s hand and thinking ‘this is the right fit.’

66.  Waking up early and getting shit done.

67.  I’m a lot more disciplined with my time than I used to be.

68.  Jim and Jen moving in together.

69.  I went into my library and there in front of me was the new John Boyne book, the new Sally Rooney and the new Sarah Perry.

70.  A freshly laundered bed.

71.  Frances McDormand’s kick-ass performance in Three Billboards.

72.  Getting a question right in Only Connect.

73.  Getting a question right in University Challenge.

74.  Seeing Oxford or Cambridge lose in University Challenge.

75.  Having time to have a read.

76.  The Christmas Radio Times.

77.  Listening to Shaun Keaveny.

78.  Those snow days.

79.  Becoming a Staff Governor. I find it really interesting. However, I am disappointed with the refreshments on offer. I thought being a member of the Inner Circle would have its culinary perks, i.e. a cheese board with complimentary wine – as it is, you have to bring your own water to meetings.

80.  Ireland’s referendum result.

81.  Margaret Atwood is writing a follow-up to The Handmaid’s Tale.

82.  The video to ‘This Is America.’

83.  I watched Johnny Cash’s video to ‘Hurt’ yesterday. Wow! People talk about Bowie writing his own obituary, but Cash did too.

84.  When you get to the last day of term and think, ‘I deserve this.’

85.  I finally found the right readings for the wedding.

86.  Those Neymar videos.

87.  Our school is the first in the county to have a mental health nurse – this seems like an important step towards looking after children who’ve experienced loss, homelessness, stress and trauma.

88.  Steve Arnott and the Beats Bus.

89.  How neither Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi got to the World Cup final. Football is a team game – with constant Ballon d’Or ‘who’s the best in the world?’ ‘how do the stats compare?’ it’s easy to forget that.

90.  Most people are quite nice once you get to know them.

91.  I really liked the ‘Lunar Rhapsody’ tune in First Man.

92.  I got a great Secret Santa present this year. I’ve had some disappointing ones over the years. I know people say, ‘you should be grateful whatever you get,’ but I don’t know if this is true. A good present shows you’ve thought about someone; a bad present shows the opposite. If you really aren’t happy with your present, then moan away as far as I’m concerned.

93.  Brexit might teach British people to be humbler in the future and realise that countries are interconnected, that isolationism isn’t power.

94.  I’m pretty pleased with my new laptop.

95.  I found that memory stick.

96.  We currently have enough chocolates to get us through to next Christmas.

97.  If I know something is wrong, I’ll speak up. I’m proud of this.

98.  Watching James Acaster ‘go electric’ and ditch his schtick for something more personal. He is the future of British stand up.

99.  Being with someone I love.

100.                      Tomorrow we’re going to look at wedding rings. My future is confirmed. I couldn’t be happier.

100 reasons to be uncheerful

1.       Brexit

2.       Endless talk about Brexit.

3.       The signage in Dunstable is woeful. If you’re going to set up a business, then buy a decent sign.

4.       The fact that I now get worked up about shop signage. I used to listen to The Clash and feel angry about social injustice.

5.       I worry about being a good father. Given I haven’t conceived a child this seems like an unnecessary use of time.

6.        Brett Kavanaugh may or may not be guilty of sexual abuse, what is clear is he simply does not have the intelligence to be on the Supreme Court.

7.       Putting off reading a book when I love it once I’m into it.

8.       Worrying about the day ahead when it normally turns out just fine.

9.       Not finishing off my short stories.

10.   All the great tunes I couldn’t fit into the wedding playlist. (Pulp ‘Common People’ didn’t make the cut.)

 

11.   Still being incompetent at DIY.

12.   Not having the confidence to support my colleagues as much as I should.

13.   Being stuck on the motorway for eight hours in March.

14.   The last few episodes of Bodyguard were just stupid. (Line of Duty, also by Mercurio, is far superior.)

15.   I call myself a comedy fan, but I’ve never watched a Monty Python film.

16.   I sometimes think The Girl supports me more than I support her.

17.   If something at work doesn’t go well on Friday, I’ll stew on it until Monday.

18.   The Girl doesn’t fully empty the residue on cans and tins for recycling.

19.   She also falls asleep early which means I don’t get to spend as much time with her as I would like. (As criticisms go this is a compliment.)

20.   Everyone seems to be shouting at one another these days. (Remember Atticus’ words: “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view until you climb in his skin and walk around in it.”)

 

21.    The fact I’ve just said these days.

22.   But seriously, these days people are less kind. More tolerant, but less kind.

23.    Jeremy Corbyn needs to raise his game. Hopefully, Santa bought him the gift of persuasive oratory.

24.    Theresa May’s dancing. (It isn’t bad per se to take the piss out of yourself, but in comedy you have to own your embarrassment. Take out a mortgage on the thing and commit to paying off the debt. She just looked in at the estate agents and thought that would be enough. For all the diabolical things her government have done, we must remember comedically she’s a coward.)

25.   David Cameron is nowhere to be seen. He started the fire and has got off scot-free. Putting the arse into arsonist. (I know that doesn't quite work.)

26.    Ramos taking Salah out.

27.    England running out of steam.

28.    I don’t listen to music as much as I should.

29.    Morrissey continues to let me down.

30.    The season of Baileys before bed is drawing to a close.

 

31.    That Little Drummer Girl was tremendously dull, despite what the critics said.

32.    My copy of Citizen Kane remains in its cellophane wrap.

33.    I’ve had more flat tyres this year than you’ve had hot dinners. (This is directed at models who live in LA, who I’m assuming because of the constant sunshine and worries over what they eat mainly have cold salads.)

34.    The second season of Handmaid’s Tale was harder for the viewer than Offred.

35.    The sports bar near me closed. The Wetherspoons next door killed it. Yet the killer remains at large, paying off witnesses through cheap breakfasts and nationalist beer mats.

36.    I sometimes feel that even with my closest friends I have little to say. It’s strange because I’m a motormouth when I write.

37.    My brother hasn’t yet got that dream job. He really does deserve it.

38.    Seeing my mum in pain. (She’s grand now.)

39.    Being aware that I’ll never be as good a parent as my mum and dad.

40.    Still having a ‘I can’t do’ attitude.

 

41.    Parents lacking self-awareness. It is the hardest job, but some don’t appreciate how therefore it requires work and commitment.

42.    Reduced salt tomato ketchup. An abomination!

43.    Young people having to shoulder heavy grief.

44.    Discovering Shaun Keaveny’s breakfast show just as it was ending.

45.    I should have bought a Flight Of The Conchords ticket.

46.    Being stuck in Sainsbury’s car park over Christmas.

47.    Still struggling to appreciate that given time most things sort themselves out.

48.    Piers Morgan graffitiing the airwaves.

49.    The media’s round-the-clock coverage just gives more attention to attention-seekers who could do without it.

50.    Forgetting that amongst the hilarious explanation given by Russia, someone died as a result of their nerve agent.

 

51.    Buying a brand-new laptop and it not working. Getting a replacement and that not working either.

52.    I can empathise with Donald Trump. Three times in succession I tried and failed to close an umbrella. On one of the occasions The Girl was splashed by a tsunami of water. She was in her best frock for a wedding. Her dad had to come along and close it for me. I felt less like a man and more like  a Trump. This was a bad day.

53.    Football fans seem to be getting stupid again.

54.    I missed seeing It’s A Wonderful Life this Christmas.

55.    I still think I could write for a living - I have done nothing towards making this happen.

56.    There are friends I haven’t seen in a while.

57.    Aretha Franklin dying.

58.    The rise of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

59.    We laugh at the Americans, but Boris could be our next PM. (The fact I’ve called him by the matey nomenclature ‘Boris’ is why he could be PM. Johnson is more apt: American slang for ‘dick.’)

60.    People not saying, ‘thank you.’

 

61.    The way women are treated as sex objects, despite the fact their job has nothing to do with sex. Asking a woman receiving her World Footballer of the Year to twerk would only be ok if they were applying to be a Miley Cyrus impersonator.

62.   Serena Williams’ meltdown. It wasn’t right and it was wrong how some people defended it.

63.    The level of abuse aimed at Raheem Sterling.

64.    Judging someone based on who they vote for. Most people are in the middle and who they vote for is based on tenuous circumstances. Few voters are thinking, ‘I hate (insert group). Fuck ‘em!’

65.    The Windrush scandal exposed the blind-thinking on immigration. Rightly, everyone thought black immigrants were badly let down. Yet they don’t think new immigrants in detention camps and poor housing are.

66.    I’ve had a week of buffet food. Times relentless march means this period will soon be over.

67.    Who knows where my copy of Elf went?

68.    I'm only completely myself when I’m with The Girl.

69.    I sometimes enter light-hearted conversations with serious questions. I would be terrible on a panel show. A real buzz killer. I’d be good on an interview though, Desert Island Discs more than Graham, where I’d have to jostle less for position, where you couldn’t be interrupted, that’s where my anecdotes would really shine.

70.    I still regret not thanking my English teacher for all that she did for me.

 

71.    I wish the parent-teacher relationship was more collaborative and less oppositional – it would be better for the child.

72.    Call The Midwife.

73.    I don’t always read the books that have been kindly lent to me because I get diverted by things I hear about or read.

74.    I spend just as much time sorting out my podcast for running as I do running.

75.    Everyone going nuts about the Royals again. (Harry and William are decent lads and probably understand more about the world than some public school toffs, but they and their family are not worthy of idolatry,)

76.    Disasters in non-English speaking worlds being quickly forgotten.

77.    Despite experimenting with my lunches this year, I still haven’t discovered the right combination. If only I could afford M&S sandwiches on a daily basis. That for me is how much enough money is: when you can routinely buy delicious shop-bought sandwiches without spiraling into debt.

78.    My library is closing for a few months.

79.    I moan about local businesses closing down, but I’m yet to go to my local theatre or restaurant.

80.    Colin Murray’s Blood on the Tracks should be on a time when others can listen to it.

 

81.     VAR.

82.    Nigel Farage leaving UKIP because it had become too racist. He set up the Private Members Club with a union jack façade, with bouncers dressed in union jack suits, with the English boy band Union J exclusively on the speakers, and is then surprised when Tommy Robinson wants in.

83.    Getting disappointed when I don’t get re-tweeted. Jeez, I’m a grown man.

84.    Thinking before I speak. (This isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes you’ve just got to vent and get things off your chest.)

85.    I feel that I don’t have much time when I waste a good half an hour a day looking at stuff I don’t need to on the internet.

86.    I could be watching something brilliant and artistic on Netflix, but often I go for an easy 90 minute romcom because I don’t have the patience for anything beyond two hours.

87.    I position myself as a class warrior when in reality I’ve never known hardship or struggle.

88.    Watching England get hammered in the hockey.

89.    Being rude about the town I live in. I mean I’m not like Lewis Hamilton, but I could be kinder about the place. Yes, the town centre could do with Betjeman bombs, but there’s a lot of good things too.

90.    I shouldn’t be rude about Luton fans. They deserve pity, not opprobrium.

 

91.    I could do with eating less sweets. Should I go to the dentist again then I face Shane MacGowan levels of treatment.

92.    Teaching has turned me into a control freak. Initially, I found it hard to let my brother organise my stag do.

93.    I think I’m getting to a point where I avoid conversation more than I seek it.

94.    I enjoy hearing people talk about things more than participating in them. I spend more time reading and hearing reviews than watching and experiencing the actual thing.

95.   Bountys in a box of Celebrations.

96.   Strawberry Creams in Quality Streets.

97.   Cadbury’s Caramel in Cadbury’s Heroes.

98.   Why do children buy you a box of Celebrations at Christmas when Cadbury’s Heroes are clearly the better assortment? I can only assume price comes into play.

99.    I forget how lucky I am to do a job that when asked, ‘What do you do?’  I’m proud to answer.

100.                       I’ve thought for two hours about the things that make me uncheerful.